Many years ago I was a young single mother of three boys. I worked as a reiki practitioner and raised my children.
One day, in late November, when shopping for groceries I ran into a man, I’ll call him Larry. I might say an old friend but perhaps we weren't friends. Larry had taught my son acting for years and in fact, had been the inspiration for us moving to the town I live in today. Larry was not well-liked amongst the town folk, mostly due to his personal decisions in business and how he handled his finances. In any case, he was a person for whom I felt compassion.
Larry looked to be a bit downtrodden. He was an older man and had been down on his luck for quite a few years. Many would say that he was the creator of his own bad luck but I didn't want to judge him. I asked him how he was, he said he was not well but mostly that he was concerned for his partner who was very ill. I had heard of his partner's illness and felt compassion for their suffering.
We spoke for a short while and before turning to leave, I thought to ask him if he would like to come for a Reiki Session. He said that he couldn't possibly afford it at the moment and I then expressed to him that I was offering it as a gift. He shed some tears of gratitude and accepted my offering.
He came for his appointment, all went well. While finishing the session, he slowly sat up and began to sob — the kind of sobbing where you need to pause for a moment to take a breath. I placed a hand on his shoulder but stayed silent. When he was done he began to tell me his worries. He said that his partner had stomach cancer and was suffering terribly. He told me about the devices that his partner was hooked up to and how expensive his treatments were. Larry said that they didn't have any money and that the electric company was going to disconnect their service on Wednesday…this was a Monday.
My mind naturally goes to solutions so I asked him a few questions. I asked him what the minimal amount to pay was and he said $950. I asked him if he had called the electric company and asked if they could help given that there was a very ill man in the house. He said that he had and that there was nothing to be done about it. He told me that he had money coming in on Friday but that the few days without electricity would be absolutely devastating. I asked him how sure he was about money coming in on Friday, he replied that it was definite.
This was a month before Christmas and I had been putting money aside for my kid's presents. I didn't have much money in those days but always put money aside to make sure my kids had a memorable Christmas experience. ‘Do what is in front of you!’ That's what I say and what I try to live by! Right? What kind of a hypocrite would I be if I did not practice what I preached? So I told him about the money I had been setting aside for my children’s x-mas gifts and that it wasn't much but enough to get him to Friday when he would receive his check and he could pay me back. He cried more expressively and I quickly went to get my stash from the back of my kitchen cupboard.
Friday came and went and I heard nothing from Larry, I was not concerned. I was sure that I would hear from him soon and I placed it out of my mind. A week passed and still nothing, I began to worry, then two and three weeks passed. I am not a confrontational person. I am usually more concerned with offending someone and making them feel uncomfortable but too much time had passed and I needed to purchase some gifts!
I called him, and he very quickly and emphatically said, “Oh sorry darling, but I simply do not have the money”. I couldn't believe what he said, I reminded him that I didn't actually give him the money but only loaned it to him with the promise that it would be returned within a few days, and that this was my children's Christmas present money. “Yes, I understand but there is nothing to be done”, he replied. I paused for a moment wanting to raise my voice and ask him what was already apparent to me, which was that he never had any intention of repaying that money. I tried to respond but he quickly ended the conversation and hung up.
I was duped. I cried and tried to figure out how to buy gifts for my kids. I managed. Christmas was lovely. But that did not settle the emotions. I was betrayed and played for a fool for my act of kindness. My friends around town said, “welcome to the club” and that “you knew he owed many people money, you should have known better.” I found no solace there.
Time passed, but I still couldn't get over feelings of resentment toward Larry. He once again got into some bad trouble and was being evicted from a building that he worked from. Larry had done a lot of despicable things to many and no one had compassion for him. He had embezzled money, deceived people, and wasted many people’s time so when it came time to collect all of his beautiful prized possessions from his offices to sell them at auction to try to compensate the foundation from which he stole from, most people rejoiced. Most thought it was justified but I felt uncomfortable about that. I also disliked feeling compassionate for his loss, which I did so I decided to not to think of it at all.
A good friend of mine knew of my story with Larry. He was part of the crew that collected the items from Larry's offices. He came over one day with a beautiful stone statue of a horse. He said, “Here, this was one of Larry's statues, why don't you sell it and make back the money that you lost, and maybe a little more?” I was touched by the gesture and placed the horse as a centerpiece on my kitchen island. It was a lovely piece and probably quite valuable. Not knowing how to feel about it I just left it there. I had been praying for a solution to rid myself of my resentment for Larry, and having this horse was not helping at all. I walked past it day after day and each time I saw it I felt ashamed. I didn't want it, I didn't want to look at it, but it brought opportunities for reflection.
Karma is doing right action without care of the outcome, without thought to the fruits it may bear” Period.
I thought about this a lot, I gave something from my heart to help a man and then I allowed myself to be attached to the outcome, which then created suffering for me. I allowed someones else’s actions to take away from my action of giving. I thought about this for a few days, and every time I walked by this horse I felt as if the horse was speaking to me, showing me a way out of my resentment for Larry. Then one day I heard it loud and clear, ‘Give the beautiful horse back to Larry.’ This was not to shame him but to release myself from the negative feelings I had for him.
I wrapped that horse in a beautiful box and left it on his doorstep with a note that said “I think this belongs to you” He called me the next day, he said he was speechless and then thanked me. I said, “Your welcome Larry, we both have lost a lot and now we can have some peace.” I said, “I wish you well.” And it came from my heart. “God bless you my dear”, he said from his.
I found my peace. I was free.
Find your Peace Horse
Hari Om Tat Sat
Berta